Tying the Knot in a Meaningful and Memorable Way (Without Losing Our Savings or Sanity)

Friday, April 9, 2010

Savoring Each Stage


As I mentioned in previous posts, Matt and I are going to start trying to get pregnant this summer (despite the fact that I don't think I ovulate regularly and may have problems getting pregnant).

Although I'm a perpetual planner and love looking forward to things, I'm pushing myself to savor the stage we're in. We've been married for almost two years, and our time together is so fun. Once we have a child, we'll never again experience the same freedom or lightness we have right now (of course the baby will introduce new wonderful things into our lives). Even after the kid(s) go to college (or follow the other life path of their choice), we still won't be as unburdened as we are now.

Matt and I have already been through several stages together: Dating, Not-Dating, Engagement, and Newly Married. Each stage has its benefits and its drawbacks. Instead of always looking ahead to what's next, I want to cultivate the habit of appreciating what's right here.

So, here's a toast to celebrating the stage you're in (whatever stage that may be)!


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16 comments:

sarah said...

cheers!

heather said...

Cheers on your new phase in life! :)

Gillian said...

Maybe you're already aware - but the Billing's method of following your cycle (not just for Catholics ;) helps people with irregular ovulations get pregnant.

And cheers! To savoring the current stage ;)

Sara said...

Wow, I really needed to hear that today. I have a hard time not trying to get to the next stage, especially when I have a plan for it all in my head: I am in the dating stage and wanting to plan for the engagement stage (thus I started reading your blog). However, I have continued to read your blog because it has kept me grounded and in reality about the whole thing. Here's to learning as much as you can from the stage you are in!

Meg said...

Amen to savoring whatever stage you happen to be in!!

I had a question for you re: children, etc., but if it's too personal or off-topic, I understand... it's just something I find myself struggling with since the engagement (mostly thanks to others' questions or presumptions).

I was wondering: I know you mentioned reading "And Baby Makes Three" - did it leave you feeling encouraged re: maintaining martial intimacy + children? I ask because... this terrifies me. We're both extremely ambivalent about having children, but on the days when it seems appealing, I start to worry, what if it messes up what we already have? (which is more wonderful than I ever expected). I hear so many stories about how children drastically change a marriage and it makes sense to me: the stress, exhaustion, a new tiny person to love, etc. And I also know that life is all about stages; when your children are young, they get the focus. But it seems like so many couples have trouble regaining what brought them together in the first place, even after the children are grown.

But I kind of don't want to believe that's the way it *has* to be. Any thoughts on this?? I often feel very alone in my "take it or leave" attitude towards motherhood. It seems most women either KNOW they want babies or know 100% that they don't... and not having children because you're so into your spouse (and like it that way) is not often mentioned.

Emily said...

Thanks for this post today! I am 2 months out from the wedding and have just started loving the late-engagement stage. Wedding showers and notes from friends and lots of the big decisions being made are all wonderful. On your advice, I will savor it :)

"T-Bone" Lee said...

@ meg-

I don't have kids...but I know for sure I want them some day...and so does my fiance. But I have the SAME exact concerns and fears that you do. I have seen relationships work (my parents for example) with children and remain strong and loving...but it seems like so many people have a hard time doing it that it's scary. I think it's all up to you to acknowledge that and make a conscious effort to build your relationship and continue growing that intimacy all while raising your child. Fingers crossed.

Heidi said...

Thank you for the reminder...it is well needed :)

kahlia said...

Thank you, Sara. We've been enjoying the engaged stage: just cuddling and giggling and also, recently, talking through family issues (and learning together how to set boundaries and when to speak up and so much more). And I realise that these are the things we're supposed to be learning as a team before we get married (and we're glad to be getting it figured out and learning how to build our (so far) family of 2). And we thought nothing would change. ha! We just needed to plan 2 big parties (our families are on different continents) to bring out the issues and force us to deal with people's different expectations and suppositions. hm.

And I think that many people see the engagement phase as just the wedding-planning phase. But it's so much more than that! And that's why I love blogs like yours and APW. Thanks again for providing insight and a different perspective! (And good luck with the transition to your next phase.)

Sophie said...

Again, your words are so comforting. With Facebook, we were able to notice a trend among our friends and acquaintances: the girl gets pregnant 2 or 3 months after the wedding. They wait to get married until they are totally ready for children. It wasn't our case, because we have very low-paying jobs, my husband is younger and still a student, and our engagement was a lot shorter than theirs. I feel social pressure, but at the same time I want a few more years just the two of us. It's hard as I am approaching 30 and my biological clock is ticking, but I have to enjoy the moment.

Angela DiTullio said...

Cheers!
I completely agree. I feel like most of our lives are spent living for the future. We should always stop to smell the roses and enjoy each moments in our lives instead of always thinking about the future. If we spend too much time worrying about the future, the present will end up in our past without us truly enjoying it.
<3

* Ninotschka * said...

Great idea! Have champagne! Have oysters, sushi, soft cheeses as much as you can! I dearly miss them for the past 8 months. As my GP said, trying for a baby can take years or just 1 month. For us it was the latter. Keep my fingers crossed for you.

Sara E. Cotner said...

@ All: I love reading your comments!

@ Meg: I'm going to respond to your question over on my personal blog (feedingthesoil.com) later this week. I've been thinking about it all weekend. It's a great one. P.S. nothing is "too personal" or "off-topic"! Always feel free to ask away...

Laurel said...

oh good luck! that is so exciting. I constantly remind myself to take in the moment.

@Meg- I worry about those things too!
( I am engaged.)

Lindel said...

Hi,

Just a note on baby and relationship fears - my partner and I had a son about 9mnths ago and yes everyone tells you how much your life will change, how your relationship will never be the same again etc... but I was so pleasantly and wonderfully surprised at how much things have stayed the same. The love we have for each other and our day-to-day relationship dymanics have not really changed at all. If anything, things between us are even better as with time pressures and lack of sleep we have to focus on what is important to us and not get caught in any 'fluff'. That means making time for each other, being clear with our communication and openly appreciating each other. But all of this has happened naturally as maybe out of necessity and subconciously, we recognize that to be happy and functional parents we need to be in a happy and functional relationship.

But honestly, things really are wonderfully the same. Case in point: Yesterday we walked our dog, went on a bike ride to the city, had dim sum in Chinatown, lazed about in a nearby park, headed home, played in the backyard, bathed our baby, tucked him into bed, watched some dvds and cuddled to sleep. All things that we would have done together pre-baby, and we still do now.

Sara E. Cotner said...

@ Lindel: Thank you for sharing your amazing model! I need to remember that there's a lot of hype in baby-raising (just like there's a ton of hype in wedding-planning!). For some reason, it was a whole lot easier for me to go my own way in wedding planning. Maybe it's because having a baby is so much bigger and so much more mysterious than planning a celebration of love and commitment. Thanks for giving me a topic for another blog post (I'll think about it some more and then post something on feedingthesoil.com.) I appreciate it!

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