Comments on 2000 Dollar Budget Wedding: Q & A: Funding the Rehearsal Dinner

my parents were heartbroken that they couldn't...

2010-02-11T19:43:27.663-05:00

my parents were heartbroken that they couldn't help in the big ways they had planned to all of my life.

when i sat down and laid out what my exact expectations were for the rehearsal dinner (1. everyone needs to be able to relax, 2. everyone who helped with the wedding set-up should be invited...) my mom was much more comfortable with a cheesesteak dinner than she was at the outset.

chances are, your mom transposes her hopes and dreams onto you. she assumes you want a fancy dinner, because she wants to give you the best. when you explain to her that "the best" doesn't exactly mean spending a ton, she may be perfectly happy helping you in other (less expensive) ways.

i'm sure you want your mom to have a meaningful part of the wedding, as much as she wants to. think about what this means to you, and where her talents fit into this picture. maybe this means lending you her old veil. or baking the cake. if you tell her where and why she can help in the most meaningful way, she may not be hung up on the dollar signs (or lack thereof).

I agree with all of the above-- find a way to make...

2010-02-10T22:56:57.863-05:00

I agree with all of the above-- find a way to make your mom feel special. You people are brilliant. If you need an extra bit of persuasion, you could point your mom toward the tradition of the "groom's" family hosting the rehearsal dinner.

I'm in a very similar situation with my mom. W...

2010-02-10T19:46:13.424-05:00

I'm in a very similar situation with my mom. What I've done to make sure she feels like a major contributor to the wedding is to involve her in a lot of the DIY tasks as well as some of the day of coordination. Yes, I can make the invitations and decorations myself (and it may even be easier than involving someone else), but I know how much she wants to be able to say she did something for the wedding, so I involve her in the process. This way she's happy and I get the projects done in half the time!

Sara has great ideas. What if your mom hosted a s...

2010-02-10T11:34:11.114-05:00

Sara has great ideas. What if your mom hosted a simple bridal shower (or pre-wedding "couple celebration") for a few of your nearest and dearest - just a simple bbq. Or what if she got involved in some of the wedding DIY projects if you have those going on... have her come over and help you with those while talking about all that fun girly stuff. One of my friends and I just go to the bookstore and thumb through bridal magazines and laugh over them (since they're very different than the wedding I'm planning)which is both fun and helpful and a bonding experience.

I agree-- she wants to help. If you don't wan...

2010-02-10T09:25:51.224-05:00

I agree-- she wants to help. If you don't want the rehearsal dinner, guide her help in a way that would be good for both you and her.

I wonder if there isn't an opportunity for you...

2010-02-10T08:19:05.377-05:00

I wonder if there isn't an opportunity for your mom to host an intimate, inexpensive gathering for a few special ladies in your life. Sort of a bridesmaids' tea, wine tasting, "stich n bitch" kind of event that requires a smaller, simpler menu for less people. You could say that you want a chance to spend some quality time with a select group of women who have been influential in your life and that she is chief among them. Tell her you want it to be simple but personal

You could have a VERY simple menu (tea, cake, fruit tray OR wine, cheese, grapes OR etc) and only invite a special few. Your mom could feel like she is doing something important that will bless you and the bank is not broken.

I'm not advocating you adding an even you don't want to have, but if there is room in your life for it and it doesn't make you crazy, it might go a long way toward easing your mom's anxiety. I wish you the very best and I appreciate the way you want to love your mom and be yourself at the same time.

We're going through something similar as each ...

2010-02-10T07:40:43.621-05:00

We're going through something similar as each set of parents is constantly competing with one another. Because they're paying for many of the costs, they both want to know how much money is getting spent and which set of parents get to pay for what. It sounds nice in theory to have people in competition to pay for stuff, but it's annoying.

I think Sara's advice will work well. There has to be another way that your mom can contribute without breaking the bank. But most importantly, I think you should definitely have a conversation with her about all of this or you run the risk of a) having this happen again with something else b) leaving feelings go unresolved before the wedding, which is never good. Whatever you chose to do, try to keep in mind that while your parents are important, it's still going to be your day.