On Monday, I responded to a reader's question about how Matt and I nurtured our relationship during the wedding planning process.
I asked Matt if he would be willing to contribute his side of the story, and he said of course.
Suddenly, it felt like we were in wedding planning mode all over again! We had delegated tasks, and I was waiting for him to finish his.
During the wedding planning process, I figured out that the best way to deal with delegated tasks was to let Matt set his own deadline. Then, I would hold myself back from questioning (er, nagging) him before the deadline.
In retrospect, we should have taken it to the next step by posting these agreed upon deadlines in a well-trodden place in our home, someplace that we both passed by quite a bit.
Honestly, Matt's organization system failed him a few times. Either he wouldn't write something down or he would write it down but not go back to it. Once the deadline came up, I would then ask him for the finished product. At that point, he would feel frustrated with himself (not me because I didn't nag!). Because he had set his own deadline to begin with, he accepted full responsibility for not completing his task, and he would quickly prioritize and finish it.
So, this time, Matt remembered the deadline, but he didn't start working on it until last night. (When he said he would have it ready for publication on Friday, I told him that meant it had to be done on Thursday night.)
He worked on it while I finished watching Man on Wire (which I highly recommend!). I had fallen asleep in the middle of it (even though it's really good!) the night before.
And so Matt's side of the story is still not finished. Part of me is frustrated because I think the little things are important. I want to be able to trust his word and rely on him. But a bigger part of me realizes that this situation is really minor. He is doing me a huge favor by doing something that is important to me, not him. I can cut him a little slack. Being patient and understanding (and less self-centered!) is something I am working on within our marriage.
So, dear readers, I hope you will cut Matt some slack too. We promise to publish his post as soon as it's finished!
1 comment:
As frustrating as this situation may be for you and Matt, I'd like to thank you for, well, having it happen and posting about it, honestly! I tend to be a little more like Matt -- I have the best of intentions but I will forget to check my to-do list as often as I should... or I will just cram more things into a day than I can possibly commit to finishing. It was a timely gentle reminder to hear your side of the story, though. I've let my man down more than once in these little ways... and, even though he's pretty good about letting them go, it helps to remember that it these little things truly *matter* in the cultivation of oh-so-necessary trust. Plus, it's a reminder that what I commit to is in my control. Saying "I need to think about whether or not I can honestly make that happen before I commit" never hurts anyone; but not making good on my word does. Speaking of which... I promised him I'd edit some paperwork for him today, so I'd better go do that...!
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