Sometimes it's tempting to get so focused on the goal that once you achieve it, you forget to maintain it. Dieting is the perfect example of this. It's easy to become obsessed with eating right and exercising in order to attain your ideal weight. Once you attain that weight, however, it has to be maintained. If you revert to your old eating/exercising habits because you've already achieved your goal, you will obviously regain the weight. Healthiness has to be maintained; it can't just be achieved. Flexibility is the same way. If you work really hard to become flexible, you have to maintain it day in and day out.
Something similar can happen in our crazy wedding culture. The Wedding becomes the goal, instead of a healthy, sustainable marriage. The truth is, healthy relationships take work. They need to be maintained. They require reflection, adjustments, compromise, forgiveness, understanding.
It's so easy for me to take my marriage for granted. I mean, it's not going anywhere any time soon. We signed a contract! (And, more importantly, we've built a life and a history together.)
But that kind of nonchalant attitude will only set me up for heartbreak. The universe has a way of changing things in an instant; we should never take anything for granted. And in terms of what is actually in our control, Matt and I need to make sure that we pay attention to how we treat each other and that we continue to build rather than corrode our marriage through our daily actions.
The question for me is: "
What habits do I have that hurt rather than help our marriage?"
One immediate answer is: I constantly offer up advice or correction about how to interact with our son, Henry. I imagine that that kind of nagging takes a serious toll on our marriage. It probably wears on Matt's confidence and joyfulness. I need to get into the habit of refraining from saying anything unless it is absolutely necessary (and, alternatively, I can bring up things later as a point of discussion about how we choose to parent rather than as an in-the-moment correction).
As I type this, I also feel compelled to acknowledge the deeper problem related to my personality (over-analytical, self-righteous at times, judgmental). Working on those parts of my personality would certainly strengthen my marriage.
Do you have any habits that hurt rather than help your marriage?---------------------
Today on Feeding the Soil: My
love/hate relationship with running.